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My Struggle With Anxiety

Aug 14

lush ruffle sleeve dress pink velvet steve madden mules

I’ve been meaning to write this post for quite some time now but procrastination and writer’s block has always gotten the best of me. I love Motivation Mondays because they give the blog depth and a purpose, but they are by far the hardest posts for me to write because the overhanging fear of judgment is always ever present. How much sharing is too much? What do people really want to know? At the same time, I know that being transparent and vulnerable is so important and could be helpful to others sharing similar struggles or challenges in life. So today’s post will be the start of many posts on the topic of anxiety. I mentioned previously that I’ve suffered from anxiety for most of my life and many of you reached out stating you have as well and would like to see a series here on the blog about my experience and my suggestions for trying to overcome it. 

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lush ruffle sleeve dress pink velvet steve madden mules
lush ruffle sleeve dress
lush ruffle sleeve dress pink velvet steve madden mules
lush ruffle sleeve dress pink velvet steve madden mules
lush ruffle sleeve dress
lush ruffle sleeve dress pink velvet steve madden mules
pink velvet steve madden mules
lush ruffle sleeve dress
lush ruffle sleeve dress pink velvet steve madden mules
Ruffle Sleeve Dress // Cream Cardigan // Pink Velvet Mules // Smiley Face Necklace // Layered Necklace // Earrings // Sunglasses (c/o) $15 off code pardonmuahinsta15 // Lipstick (Blankety)
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If you’ve never had anxiety before it may be hard to understand. And for someone with anxiety, trying to explain how it feels and the thoughts that cross your mind may induce anxiety in itself. But the best thing you can try to do is sympathize and not pass judgment. Anxiety is so much bigger than one scenario, situation, or frame of mind. At times it’s debilitating, scary, frustrating and can even feel devastating to the person who’s struggling. I’ve personally battled with anxiety ever since I was in middle school. It started with a feeling at night of not being able to breathe. At first, this was incredibly scary because I didn’t understand what was happening. The only way we could get it to subside was to turn on the air conditioning so it was nice and cold and the TV so that my mind was preoccupied. 

As I continued to get older my anxiety presented in many different ways. Many times, with a feeling of not being able to breathe in situations in which I felt uncomfortable or unsure of myself. And once the anxiety occurred, it would continue to reoccur over and over in the same situations. I grew to understand what was happening so I was able to keep myself calm and unpanicked but it was still uncomfortable and very frustrating. I’m an A-type personality with an overactive imagination and a compulsion for perfection. I live to stress and I stress often. I would even say it’s what I do best (I laugh and shudder at this at the same time). I spend my days planning and organizing and then doing it all over again because chaos in my mind only makes things so much worse. 

 When I was in college I had an anxiety attack so bad that I ended up in the ER due to chest pains. I was young and healthy so I knew I wasn’t having a heart attack but I also knew that something was wrong. They did lots of tests, as you can imagine, but in the end found it was induced by my severe anxiety. I did, however, also find out that I suffer from hypothyroidism which can also affect your level of anxiety. Since then, I was placed on a low dose of medication and it has, in fact, made my day to day anxiety better (thank goodness). However, they aren’t magic pills and they didn’t completely make the anxiety go away. 

Anxiety, at times, has made me feel broken. I’ve seen it affect me the most in romantic relationships. Even at 28, with a lot of experience dating under my belt, I still can’t completely put my finger on my feelings of inadequacy, which too, stem from anxiety. Overthinking why someone would want to be with me… Am I good enough? Am I fun enough? Should I share my opinions and feelings freely? Why do they like me? Are they starting to unlike me? Where is this going? Is it going there fast enough? And then if I share those feelings it makes me feel strange and immediately like I shouldn’t have said anything in the first place because it’s hard to explain why I feel them. In my current relationship, I did gradually open up about my anxiety and how it makes me feel. It was met with understanding and compassion that broke down a barrier I’d built out of fear, making all the difference in the world. 

Lately, I’ve talked about a facial reaction I’ve been experiencing with my lips where they crack and blister (it’s terrible) that originally was thought to be an allergy of sorts. Now it looks like it might actually be a stress/anxiety induced problem which, for me, is the worst diagnosis because telling a stressor not to stress just makes more… you guessed it… stress lol. I’ve been so frustrated about it because it makes me self-conscious and it’s also quite painful. I’ve been told by many people that meditation could really help me, especially with issues like this, so I’m definitely going to give it a go. And I will update you all about how or if it helps. One of my girlfriends and I were talking about it this weekend and I told her I downloaded a meditation app that’s really good but I’ve actually been using it to sleep. So I’d say it’s already been helpful haha.

I’m planning to share a more thorough life update soon so I won’t share too much right now… but ever since I moved to California my life has been in flux. I preface this by saying it’s been an incredible and positive experience with a person I whole heartedly love. The challenging part has been the change and uncertainty in my career. When I left Virginia I left my very first big girl job of three years to start my new life with Justin. Surprisingly, it was an easy decision to make and the right one for myself, my future, and my relationship. I was fortunate to find a contract management position out here rather quickly that I loved, but sadly it was only temporary. Now I’m in the process of figuring out what I do next… Do I ramp up the blog? Do I style full-time? Do I head back to the world of healthcare administration?… Why is job hunting so hard? Why aren’t people emailing me back? What if I get a job and then we move again? So many questions I’m totally unsure about swirling around in my head.  

I find myself surrounded by extremely successful people. Friends and a significant other who have achieved so much before the age of 30. With fabulous 401K’s, amazing benefits, lifelong careers with companies who understand their worth. And as proud as I am to know and be close to people like this (as my mom always said… you are judged by the company you keep), it is hard at times not to feel small in comparison. I say this not to feel sorry for myself but to explain why my anxiety sometimes goes into overdrive. A feeling of needing to make something happen and make it happen quickly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to have a part-time job and a blog that keep the bills paid. And I do know that in the end, everything works itself out. That things happen for a reason and that as long as you work hard and you’re kind to others, good things will come your way. 

I do my best to remember all of the good things I have in my life. A wonderful family, a loving relationship, an adorable puppy, a roof over my head and food on the table, my health, and lots of opportunities. I know that my journey is its own and that it can’t be compared to somebody else. That maybe someone somewhere is looking my way and wishing they were in my position. I have to remind myself of this little blog that I’ve built and all that I have achieved thus far in my career. I know I’m not alone in my struggle with anxiety and there’s a comfort in knowing that others understand how it feels. Who understand the triggers of uncertainty and the unknown. 

What I yearn for most is to live in the moment. To quit planning tomorrow and to live for today. To just be happy with what is and to not question myself or my capabilities. To take love at its word and to let the future unfold day by day. Understanding and accepting anxiety is a big step in helping yourself to overcome it. And I’m still working on mastering the mind game. I wish I could offer more in the way of suggestions to conquer anxiety but it’s a journey I’m still on myself. And I’m hoping by writing about it that it will not only be cathartic but that I can share what has helped me thus far. And that if you’ve struggled or are struggling, to know you’re not alone.
Thank you so much to all of you for being such sweet and caring readers! 
XO Amanda
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